Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I AM VODKA MAN
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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