So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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