Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
