I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
