If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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