I just cut my nipple shaving
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
