I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
