Apparently you make a good broom.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
