I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
