i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
