Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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