I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
