hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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