Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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