went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
