I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
