I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
