Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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