Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
