They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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