The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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