I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
