also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
