I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize