Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
