I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
