I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
