Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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