do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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