Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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