Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
