I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
