you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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