He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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