dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
