Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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