her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
