I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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