I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
