I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
