Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
