Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
