True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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