The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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