was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
