I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
