Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize