If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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