My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
