guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
