I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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