Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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