Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
