I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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