So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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