so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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