At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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