Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
